Diary of a RL Gorean

Another thing I did a while ago...

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A day in the life of a RL Gorean, on this 8th day of the 12th month of the Uurth Calendar 2007.

I woke this morning and grumpily slid off my comfortable warm bearskin fur. Only a few days before, I was informed that my new slave, formerly named Thena Claxton now known as Vella (as I adhere to the strict Gorean ways, I am only allowed to use names contained within the books and cannot think for myself), recently was expelled from the kajirae training academy I sent her to in the Southern lands. Disappointed, I had mulled my options for the past few days as I arranged her transport back to my authentically Gorean home. As I dined on my breakfast of stale Wonderbread (the closest Uurth equivalent I could find to sa-tarna grain) and Tang (which I surmise would how larma juice would taste like), I decided that I would give my Vella the option of free companionship or death.

After a few ahn, I heard a timid knock on my very Gorean oak door. I opened it up, and saw my disgraced kajira, her silks all frumpled- looking quite despondent.
I commanded her, "my Vella- you have two choices: become my Free Companion...or die." Inexplicably, she looked at me and asked in a mournful voice, "Master, this one chooses to take the physical challenge." I sighed to myself and chose for her as I am RL Gorean and godmod everything in my life, "you are my Free Companion now. It is done, you have your name back Thena Claxton Dovgal. Look, you're even wearing proper FW Gorean clothing now." Such is my command of Gor and its ways- it was true. She was wearing an elegant FW dress.

I desired to travel so I instructed my FC to prepare on a journey. Walking by foot can be tiresome, so Thena and I made our way to the Wagon People of Mazda. I had heard many great things about these people and their commitment to the Gorean ways. I approached one of the Wagon people but did not know his name. Luckily, I am RL Gorean and thus only interact by reading tags- his name tag identified him as Jim. I talked with Jim for a little while, before we agreed on a sale of one of his wagons, made by a Master Builder named Station. I asked Jim if Master Builder Station operated his shop outside of Thentis or Port Kar. Jim told me that my wagon was not built in Japan, but in the land of Ohio. Though I had never heard of such a place, I could only assume it was located somewhere within the Plains of Turia. My FC and I climbed inside our Station Wagon. I did not know how to operate, but Lady Thena indicated she learned to operate one at the academy. Though I am Gorean in all ways, I reluctantly allowed her to operate the wagon.

Within moments, Lady Thena had navigated our way through the perlious streets of RL Gor and we found ourselves passing a place with an identification sign "K-Mart." Being RL Gorean, I clapped my hands an commanded my FC, "Halt, my intended. There is the marketplace of Port Kar and I wish to rest and drink!" Lady Thena looked at me as if I had just farted (the smelly kind), and nodded slowly, "yes, my Lord. Right away." Within seconds, I alighted from our Wagon of the Station and wrote a note on a piece of parchment I brought, intending to send it to my dear friend Tarl, Ambassador of Port Kar. I looked around for a messenger bird as there are always several hundred randomly flying around the skies, waiting to be plucked from the air- yet I found none. I frowned and whistled for my tarn, sure that it would hear me and send my message...yet after waiting for many ehn, my tarn did not come. I looked up into the sky and thought perhaps the Priest Kings were punishing me for purchasing such a fine wagon and decided to enter the city unannounced, Lady Thena in tow.

As we found the entrance, I growled at Lady Thena, "greet, my intended or I shall place you back in my collar. My FC should have proper manners." Lady Thena nodded quickly and began to greet the mass of people one at a time with a "Tal Sir" here and a "Tal Lady" there. Here a "Tal Sir," there a "Tal Sir," everywhere a "Tal Lady." Needless to say, within 45 seconds, Lady Thena lost the faculties of her voice and was no longer able speak. I frowned at her as I am RL Gorean, commenting, "what did they teach you at Academy? You have displeased me, my intended." I pulled her by the shoulder and led her inside the magical gates of what could only be the market of Port Kar- what else could K-Mart stand for?

As we entered, a lady with a curious red frock waved at us and cheerfully announced, "Greetings travelers!" I looked at her with some disdain before responding, "Tal..." I looked at her tag, "...tal Carla. What is your purpose here in Port Kar?" Carla looked at me with some surprise- perhaps she had never seen a true Gorean male and instinctively knew her place was at my feet- and answered, "oh hun, I'm the K-Mart greeter!" I nodded and held out my hand, "then pass me the laws of your realm, Lady. I desire to act according to the laws as written by your Ubar." Carla looked at me astonished- I mused to myself perhaps the Ubar had fallen in combat- and asked me, "oh, do you want Customer Service to get warranty information?" I began getting angry- a woman talking back to a RL Gorean??!!! I reached into my pockets and withdrew a collar, snarling at her, "unless you wish to be locked in my steel, I wish an audience with your Ubar...NOW!" Carla stared at me dumbfounded- I knew by the way she looked (because I was RL Gorean), that she viewed the collar with longing. She turned to another lady in a red frock and asked her, "Hey, Chantelle darlin'- do you know if there's an Ubar working down in jewelry or customer service? I think this guy wants to return that bracelet." Chantelle looked at the collar in my hand and remarked, "DAAAAMNN son. That's one crunk-ass lookin' bracelet. Yo lady must've dun sumthin' off da hook to get dat! But nah, Omar be working down in Electronics today." Carla nodded in understanding and relayed the information to me, "oh I'm sorry hun, but Omar's not working in Customer Service. But Chantelle here could probably help you out." I scoffed at her, "a woman holding council with me, a RL Gorean?!! I once thought Port Kar was a glorious Gorean city, but spare me your Disney ways, foul wench." Carla shook her head and exclaimed, "OH! Disney toys are Aisle 8 in the back, sweetheart. Have a fine day shopping at K-Mart!"

I grumbled to myself and grabbed my voiceless FC and headed to the nearby tavern of this once-great city of Port Kar, though it was called a name I did not feel was Gorean- McDonalds? "Come, Lady Thena- I shall get a drink here." I stood at the entrance of this tavern and waited for a tavern slut to approach me and offer me service. Seeing that there was none in sight, I approached a man I believed to be the tavernkeeper, "Tavernkeeper, I require the services of your finest slut." The man stared back at me and replied cooly, "watch your mouth, Sir. Approach the counter and any of of my staff will be willing to help you." I considered drawing my sword and challenging him to an honor duel right then and there, but having not yet read the laws of this realm, I decided to use caution and heed his advice, "very well, Sir. But speak to a RL Gorean like that again, and you will taste the steel of my blade!" I thought the man rolled his eyes at me, but if he did- it was because he feared a RL Gorean. I approached the counter, and reading the tag again, was served by a wench wearing the most bizarre silks and was given a peculiar slave name of "Juanita." I looked directly at this Juanita and announced my order, "greetings, wench. I wish for cold sul paga and a plate of verr cheese and sa-tarna bread." Juanita looked at me and asked, "Que?" I growled at her and banged my fist on the counter, "I do NOT repeat myself, wench! Paga and cheese now!" She looked at me again with bewilderment and asked, "Quarter Pounder with Cheese? Would you like supersize?" I sighed and retrieved the collar once more, "Nay, I do not want your disney foods. Sul paga now!" Clearly, this was a slut in training as she asked again, "Quieres numero cinco? With Sprite?" Angrily, I spit on the ground, opened the collar and tried shoving it around her neck...except, the collar wouldn't fit around her neck. I furrowed my brow in frustration as I tried to force the collar around the slut's neck...but it wouldn't fit? What was happening? In the books, a woman could fit into any collar, but here- this woman's neck was too big for the collar I purchased? I howled, "this is so INVALID. You are CHEATING!" Juanita jumped back in fright at my actions and began screaming at the top of her lungs, "POLICIA, POLICIA!!!" I reached for the dagger at my hilt, preparing for combat- a RL Gorean does not fear a fight. However, Lady Thena had other ideas and ran like her dress was on fire and left the building. Deciding my FC was more important than a fight with a bunch of Disney, invalid Guards of Port Kar, I decided to leave myself.

Now, I am back at home pagaless, slutless and in search of my tarn...I keep whistling but it never comes. Well, I shall sleep well in my furs tonight and prepare for another day, as I am RL Gorean...

A Day in the Life of a Goron...

Something I did a while ago...

* * *

The names have been changed to protected the criminally uncreative:

[16:59] Arrival: Aashe Dovgal
[16:59] Object: Aashe Dovgal, Welcome to Port Gor! Please read the rules before continuing your journey
[17:00] Aashe Dovgal steps off the gangplank of the arriving boat and scans the dock area- looking for the exit and path towards the city.
[17:01] Panther LeBored: Tal MALE
[17:02] Aashe Dovgal looks down between his legs and adjusts his trousers to ensure everything is, indeed, in place. He looks back to the panther and replies, "Thanks for noticing."
[17:02] Panther LeBored: That was an insult, MALE! *growls*
[17:03] You: it's only an insult if I'm embarrassed about being male, and I'm pretty well hung so I consider it a compliment. Thanks.
[17:04] Panther LeBored: you would look good in a collar, MALE *smirks*
[17:06] Aashe Dovgal untucks the book from underneath the crook of his arm and places the thesaurus in the panther's palm. He leans towards her, clasping her fingers tightly around the leather bindings and instructs her, "learn to read, finish this book cover to cover so you can expand your vocabulary of insults and get back to me. THEN, I might submit."
[17:06] Aashe Dovgal steps off the docks and briskly walks toward the city gates.

//IMs:
[17:07] Panther LeBored: HEEEEY!!!!!
[17:07] Panther LeBored: Too bad, you look pretty hot *waggles eyebrows*
[17:08] Aashe Dovgal continues walking into the city.
[17:08] Panther LeBored: Your loss. I'll have you know, I'm quite good in the furs.
[17:08] You: I'm better.
[17:10] Panther LeBored: Capture me sometime, ok?
//

[17:08] Aashe Dovgal arrives at the city gates. Seeing them closed, he rings the bell outside the gates to call for a Guard
[17:09] Carl Clueless: Tal stranger. Name and homestone.
[17:09] You: My name is Mickey from Rovecardophronagaard. I'm here to see Full O'Himself, the Ubar.
[17:09] Carl Clueless: Oh.
[17:12] Aashe Dovgal twiddles his thumbs, looking at the motionless Warrior. He claps his hands loudly to see if the man is still alive...and it appears he is not since there is no reaction.
[17:16] Aashe Dovgal watches a bird swoop down inside the Guard's trousers and tear off the man's penis to deliver it to his kajira. Aashe isn't sure whether he should gasp in horror at the sight or applaud the bird for its immense talent. While thinking about this, he notices Sally Scribe open the gate and walk inside the city...so he quickly follows her.


[17:18] Slave1 whispers to sissy- "girl is SO bored!" ~giggles~
[17:20] Aashe Dovgal arrives at the tavern. He leans against the doorway for a moment and eyes the two slaves gossiping amongst one another while he waits for them to greet him.
[17:20] Slave1: Greetings Master
[17:20] Slave2: greetings Master
[17:20] You: Greetings girls
[17:21] Slave1: May girl serve you, Master?
[17:22] You: As a matter of fact, you can. I see that the kajira that served a man over in that corner earlier today didn't swallow. Go clean it up since I really don't want to look at it any longer.
[17:22] Slave1: Master?
[17:22] You: Yes? Was I unclear?
[17:24] Slave1: No Master. May girl be excused? Her Master is calling.
[17:25] Aashe Dovgal turns to his left and begins emphatically shaking the air next to him. "Tal, Sir! Is this your kajira? It is?! She's very well suited for you- takes right after you. Why do I say that? She's about as vapid as you are and her head is similar to yours. Yes, that's right- full of air. I'm glad you found a perfect match, it IS hard to find a girl that matches your personality, but you did well. Great find, Sir...enjoy your time with her."
[17:26] You: You may go with your Master, girl. He's been kind enough to pick you up. Heel to him and leave.

//In IMs
[17:26] Slave1: YOU JACKASS!! I'll have you know my Master DID IM and told me to go shopping for silks. And he's my Master, you're not, so I listen to him first. ALWAYS! Piss off!
[17:27] You: Oh, I didn't know that. Let me IM him to apologize...
[17:27] You: what a pity- he seems to have crashed. He is offline at the moment
[17:28] Slave1: YOU ASS! It is people like you that ruin Gor. Why don't you just leave and take your stupid ass out of here and never come back!
[17:28] Slave1: I'm best friends with the admin and I'm going to have him BAN YOUR ASS. How do you like that now, jerk?
[17:29] You: When your Master comes back online, please have him IM me so I can loan him the money to buy you a new tiara. Until then, goodbye.
//

[17:28] Aashe Dovgal looks at Slave2 and remarks, "and are you too afraid to serve me as well?"
[17:29] Slave2: Oh no, Master! How may this tavern slut serve you?
[17:29] You: Wait, you're a tavern slut?
[17:30] Slave2: Yes, Master. Are you not pleased with me?
[17:30] You: No, it's not that. It's just that I expected a tavern slut to act, you know...slutty. I didn't know tavern sluts acted like boulders.
[17:31] Slave2: Oh. *thinks hard* What would Master like me to do?
[17:31] You: um, act sluttier?
[17:32] Slave2: Yes, Master. And how would you like me to act sluttier?
[17:33] You: You know, all these questions really don't help. Do you normally get furred, girl?
[17:33] Slave2: No Master.
[17:34] You: How shocking.
[17:35] Slave2: Perhaps if I danced for you Master? Would you like that?
[17:37] Aashe Dovgal strokes his chin thoughtfully for a moment and looks back at the girl, "That would be fine. However, I do not want to see your ruby red lips, your emerald orbs, I don't want to notice your pillowy breasts, juicy ass or sun kissed thighs. If you mention any of these things, I'll simply leave. Is that clear?"
[17:38] Slave2: I don't understand, Master. What am I supposed to do?

//In IMs
[17:38] Slave2: Master, what have I done wrong? PLEASE tell me!
[17:39] You: hmm?
[17:39] Slave2: Master, please tell me what you want.
[17:40] You: I want to see your creativity and personality through your roleplay.
[17:41] Slave2: And how should I do that, Master?
[17:42] You: Um...I think I hear my Master calling. Got to leave. Goodbye.
//

[17:43] Aashe Dovgal strolls through the town square and happens upon a shirtless man clad in black, standing next to a rather voluptuous female adorned in an elegant purple gown. He stops a few feet behind them and thrusts his hands in his pocket, keeping a safe distance not to disturb them, but orients his body towards the pair to indicate that he wishes to join in conversation.
[17:44] Carla Collarbait: Tal Sir
[17:44] Badass Dudeface: Tal Bro
[17:45] You: Tal. Please continue, I don't mean to interrupt.
[17:49] You: Seriously, please keep talking. Pretend I'm not here. I'm just catching the sights of the city. Look, I'll even move away some.
[17:53] You: Um, well. I guess I'll talk. This is a pretty nice city. Do you know if finches fly this far north during the springtime?
[17:55] Badass Dudeface: Carla, you'd look soooo good in my collar. I bet you're a total slut!
[17:56] Carla Collarbait: OH Sir! Please! I am a FW!
[17:57] Badass Dudeface: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[17:57] You: so that's a no on the finches?
[17:58] Carla Collarbait: Hmmph, even if I DID submit to you, you'd just ignore me anyway...
[17:59] Badass Dudeface: Shut up, slut! Kneel to me now! HAHAHAHA
[17:59] Badass Dudeface: LMAO
[18:00] Aashe Dovgal points up the sky and continues babbling, "so like...there are birds in the sky. They flap their wings. Some of them even deliver messages, I hear. Yeah, birds. There's a type of bird called finches. I hear they migrate."
[18:01] Carla Collarbait: I will NOT kneel. Anyway, I think Full O'Himself, the Ubar, is totally into me. He smiled at me yesterday. And don't forget Paul Pwnface, the First Sword. Oh if he saw that YOU collared me, would he get upset! So I don't think you can collar me.
[18:02] Carla Collarbait: And if you want to collar me so much, you'll have to catch me. *Runs*
[18:03] Badass Dudeface: oh shit lol
[18:03] Badass Dudeface: draw bow
[18:04] Aashe Dovgal rocks back and forth on his heels as he continues to stare up at the sky, pretending to be oblivious to what just happened, "Finches. Birds. Pretty. Spring. Yeah..." He smacks his lips together, creating a loud popping sound and surveys the city. Seeing nothing of interest, he decides to leave and light himself on fire when he gets home.

[18:10] Carl Clueless: HEY!!!
[18:12] You: Yes? Nice city you have.
[18:13] Carl Clueless: Name and homestone, stranger.
[18:13] You: Oh, I was just leaving- so...it's not even important.
[18:14] Carl Clueless: I SAID name and homestone, stranger. Do not test me or I will cap your ass.
[18:15] You: Seriously, I'm leaving so don't even worry about it.
[18:16] Carl Clueless: Last warning, stranger. And if you want to enter the city, leave your weapons by the gate.
[18:17] You: I really don't want to enter the city, so I'm taking my weapons and homestone with me.
[18:18] Aashe Dovgal leans down and picks up a pebble from the ground and rubs it reverently, pretending it was a precious homestone.
[18:19] Carl Clueless shouts: WARRIORS, ALERT!! AASHE DOVGAL HAS STOLEN OUR HOMESTONE! KILL HIM!!!